The Shrubbery
August 1999
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MINISTRY OF CULTURE
Lesson # 15 : ADVERTISING
 

ADVERTISEMENT
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Just send US$500 to the Shrubbery and you too could be the talk of the town (if I can be crapped to send it to you). Offer closes 31/12/99 (for apocalyptic reasons). Uncle Summy reserves the right to blow all the money on loose women and treat your solicitation with the unutterable contempt it truly deserves.
 
REALLY?
No. You dolt. (Well, maybe - if you persist) That was merely a ruse designed to illustrate the awesome power of advertising; which is the crux of this month's piece.
WHAT IS ADVERTISING AND HOW DOES IT WORK?
Good question. Mr Lever, out of the washing powder company and the soul/funk band the Lever Brothers was once told that only 50% of his advertising worked. To which he replied rather comically "Yes, but if I only knew which 50%."
Ha ha ha ha ha. Chortle. Chortle. Twat.
But that's just it you see. Adverts occupy an economic universe of their own; with its own wappy laws of physics, and everything. It's genuinely disturbing. Check it out:
 
THE ECONOMY OF ADVERTISING

  • Adverts cost millions to produce

  • TV and Radio airtime also costs millions

  • All of these costs are passed to the consumer

 
In short: we buy the goods that we want which funds the process of telling us which goods we want.
Well cacky-arsed pigs, it's all one remarkably ostentatious swindle!
 
 
THE MORALITY OF ADVERTISING
Bit easier to grasp, this.
Basically: people are stupid so let's fleece their idiot pockets.
 
BUT IT'S ALL SO CONFUSING
Yes, yes, yes. But relax - for it is quite intelligible if you work through a few basic examples using a product we can all relate to.
 
THE DIFFERENT TYPES OF ADVERT
"BUY CHEESE"
The simplest of the simple, aimed at the simplest of the simple. You just show some cheese and flash up a graphic in nice big red letters that reads "buy cheese." BUT: simple folk are not (always) rich folk, so cheese gets positioned at the arse end of the market-place.
Poster boy: The dad from the Wonder Years
 
"CHEESE : WITH ADDED PHOSPHO-CHEMI-LUX"
"Contains no toxic-pheromones." For greater success: show, preferably using a graph, that cheese has eternal-life-giving properties. This campaign is aimed squarely at gullible middle-class nob-heads who have watched a documentary about the moon and actually read a newspaper once. More money in their purses, you see: call your cheese something fancy, like "CHEESE SPORT!" and put the bastard price up.
Poster boy: Jennifer Aniston
 
"YO! THAT CHEESE IS BITCHIN'"
If you can't sell to the grown-ups, sell to their spawn.
Poster boy: The computer-generated cheese rapper Cheddar MC, or Will Smith (same thing. haha)
 
"OU EST LA FROMAGE? VOILA!"
Appeal to the upper-middle classes with images of sophistication such as: boats on rivers; red wine; big mansions; and, of course, some basic French.
Poster boy: Terence Stamp
 
"DON'T BUY CHEESE"
The classic double bluff. Appeal to the over-educated smug fops who claim "Look, man, advertising has, like, so totally no effect on me at all, man."
Poster boy: Salman Rushdie
 
"Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE!"
Sex sells. Put a naked women in your ad and your sales will rocket skywards. TIP: Avoid the naked erect male phallus, as any connection with your cheese and a man's penis will force you to distribute via specialist outlets.
Poster boy: Trixie Yahyah from the Red-hot Lava club
 
"CHEESE HOUR"
Late night cable infomercial featuring your product and one thousand different uses for it. Or one thousand and two, if you eat it.
Poster boy: Christopher Quinten
 
"SUBLIMINAL ADVERCHEESETISING"
There is no such thing as subliminal advertising.
 
IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT?
Yes and no. It really is piss simple, as shown above, but there are regulations that everyone has to abide to. These regulations differ from country to country, but some remain constant:
  • No swearing

  • No Anal Sex (except in Sweden)

  • No horse-whipping (except in Spain)

  • Adverts for "smack" are frowned upon

  • No "snuff" advertising

  • No ads for the sale of British and American nuclear weapons (except in Iraq)

Apart from that, you can do pretty much what you want, or more pertinently, what you can afford.

WHAT HAVE WE LEARNT?
  • Advertising does not work on anyone and is entirely pointless

  • Advertising works on everyone without exception

  • All people who work in advertising are, to an individual, coke-snorting, fatuous, privately-educated shit-for-brains, whose idea of high conceptuality is the systematic watering down of current vogue-ish cinematic clichés while robbing the graves of deceased singers and musicians

  • Everybody's life could be enhanced by the purchase of an Uncle Summy "CERTIFICATE OF GENIUS"

Until next time
Comer queijo
UNCLE SUMMY

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