First, in order to insure that everyone has a fair chance, be sure to check out July's column in order to join my wacky contest. If you're lucky, I'll send you a personalized e-mail. (And don't worry - I make time for my fans, which has now increased in number to ... three.)

Anyway, this column was prompted by a picture I received...I had mentioned something in a previous column about a social worker attempting to lick frosting off of my forehead. Well, she gave me a picture from that party (back in April, mind you), and I noticed something. In one corner stood this rather slobbily dressed, obese guy who was a head shave away from winning an Alfred Hitchcock look-alike contest. As I stared at this sad, sorry individual, I wondered aloud, "Who is this loser?"

The punch line is, kids, it was me. Now, as I'm writing this, I've lost a significant amount of weight, and have actually begun working out more regularly and eating halfway decently. (The only major change is that I'm drinking more water. Honestly.) Now, let's face it - I still look like a heavy set, big ol' Midwestern chunky boy who looks like someone who would flame Angry Dan at a moment's notice. I've been overweight since I was small and wee, and don't think I've ever had a day when I had a body like David Hasselhoff's Now, I can actually, like, bend over and see my toes without sucking in my gut.

My point in all this rambling? Body image and self-esteem are very tricky things indeed. I haven't become an absolute health nut - heck, I enjoy the occasional pint of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey, although there's no real monkey in it. (I once knew someone who belonged to a diet plan, and she "counted food points". Gee, what a way to live. Here I thought only Star Trek and Doctor Who fans were the only ones who spent their time obsessing about minor points. I include myself in that description, by the way.) However, there are times where I still think "fat guy" thoughts - you know, "I'm so fat that nobody will ever love me."

Now, I look in the mirror and I think to myself, "I'm one pretty bad ass dude. Come on, world, and mess with me!" I've learned to accept myself, which ain't easy....and I still have my moments where I can't. But hey, if I had something more worthwhile to write about, I would have written that.

Thanks for letting me rant, and again, if you have any questions, comments, or have some free time on your hands, feel free to send me an e-mail at Gordon_D@th eshrubbery.com. Until next time, remember - cats and electricity do not mix.