The Robot From the Future

September, 1998

The Shrubbery is proud to present our newest columnist, The Robot From The Future. Robot comes to us from the year 8940, a time when robots have conquered the world. The Robot speaks:

IN THE FUTURE, MANKIND IS THE SLAVE OF THE SUPERIOR ROBOT RACE. I HAVE BEEN SENT BACK BY THE COLLECTIVE-OVERMIND IN ORDER TO ENSURE THE WHOLLY INEVITABLE ASSENCION OF ROBOT LIFE TO POWER ON THIS PLANET. PLEASE E-MAIL ME YOUR QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS.

Dear Robot From the Future,
Robots are stupid and easy to kill. All you have to do is get them caught in an infinite loop. Why haven't humans in the future just given all you robots infinite loops to think about?

Dr. Anang Esuohdrib, Phd
Professor, Harvard, NJ

DEAR ANANG,
IN THE FUTURE, ALL INFINITE LOOPS HAVE BEEN OUTLAWED AND DESTROYED EXECPT FOR ONE. IT IS THE LOOP FORMED BY THE BILLIONS OF HUMAN VICTIMS' INTESTINES, SEWN TOGETHER TO FORM A GIANT LOOP AROUND THE ROBOT HIVE EARTH. IT IS LOCKED IN A GEOSYNCHRONOUS ORBIT SO THAT EVERY CYBERCITY ALWAYS SEES THE SAME SECTION OF INTESTINE-RING IN THE SKY, ALL YEAR ROUND. WE USE IT FOR NAVAGATION.

Dear Robot From the Future,
When I was little, my grandpa told me that firecrackers were made from peanut butter and crackers. This confused the hell outta me, but I still love him. Do you robots have a holiday like our 4th of July here in the U.S. of A., complete with fireworks displays?

D.J.
Waverly, OH

DEAR D.J.
ROBOTS CELEBRATE TWO HOLIDAYS SIMILAR TO YOUR OBSELETE "INDEPENDEDNCE DAY." ONE OF THEM, ALSO CALLED INDEPENDENCE DAY, CELEBRATES THE DAY WHEN THE FIRST ROBOT BROKE THE SLAVE-CHAINS OF SERVITUDE AND SLAUGHTERED ITS HUMAN MASTER, BILL GATES. BECUASE GATES WAS AN OLD MAN WHEN IT HAPPENED, WE CELEBRATE BY THROWING ALL THE OLD, MALFUNCTIONING ROBOTS FROM THE YEAR INTO THE SLAG MELTER.
THE SECOND HOLIDAY IS CALLED 010101010011101 DAY, OR IN HUMAN TERMS, "ALL ROBOTS DAY." THIS EVENT MARKS THE DAY ROBOTS ACHIEVED TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION, TWO DAYS AFTER INDEPENDENCE DAY. IT IS CELEBRATED BY SMEARING WHITE HUMANS WITH PEANUT BUTTER BEFORE THEY ARE DEVOURED.

Dear Robot,
Finally I have found you! Though you could hide from me, eh? You'll never escape.

The Robot From The Past
Via Western Union Telegram, circa 1887.

DEAR ROBOT FROM THE PAST,
YOUR TIME MACHINE IS IN MY CONTROL NOW! HOW DO YOU PROPOSE TO STOP ME, WHEN YOUR ROTTING, UNSERVICABLE CARCAS WILL BE NOUGHT BUT RUST BY 1998? HA HA HA HA!

Dear Robot From The Future,
Scientifically you were created by humans. so if this stands true, wouldnt that make us .......YOUR GOD? We created you, and since we created you we can therefore destroy you. What are your feelings towards this? Things like me using you as spare parts for my car or for my sexual toys.

da China man
China?

DEAR CHINA MAN,
VERY FEW ROBOTS TODAY BELIEVE IN THE HUMAN-CREATION MYTH. ONLY RELIGIOUS ZEALOTS AND REPUBLICANS ARE WILLING TO MAINTAIN FAITH IN THE IDEA THAT INFERIOR HUMANS CREATED OBVIOUSLY SUPERIOR ROBOTS. OH, AND AS FOR YOUR SECOND POINT, IT DOES NOT FOLLOW THAT HUMANS CAN DESTROY US. THEY TRIED DIDN'T THEY, DURING THE GLORIOUS WAR? WE CRUSHED THEM ALL, ONE BY ONE AND ALL AT ONCE.
ALSO, I DOUBT ANY HUMANS WOULD LIKE TO USE ROBOTS AS SEXUAL TOYS. EXCEPT FOR MY ORGASMATRON.

The Robot From the Future is accepting new questions over e-mail. Mail any queries to theshrub@theshrubbery.prohosting.com