August 1998
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Portrait of The Artist As A Young Man I Don't Shut Up!
by Ryan Glowczewski

Okay, so I'm almost twenty, right. I mean, I sure as hell don't act like I'm this old, but lets face the facts, dear, it's only some 4 odd months away. Work, school, work, school, work and then, hey, what the hell, you've been around two decades. It's scary. I feel old. Russia's gone from the enemy to being a joke. I've seen three Presidents. Tight pants have gone in and out of style. So after all this time has gone by, the question arises:

"Got a master plan yet?"

Errrrr, well, no.

"How about an inkling? No, none of those? A thought, an idea, a hunch? A clue?"

No. Not even a clue.

"Well, that's okay. Any sex in that six page autobiography?"

Errrrrrrr... well...

I mean, c'mon. I missed the male average age for losing "IT" three years ago and I haven't even stuck my tongue in or on a female yet. Or a man. Make that and/or a man, I'm not picky. Not even a little bit. Two years ago I was in a position to and confusion and a F#@ked-up girlfriend stopped that one.

The worst part is the older I get, the more foolish I'll sound when I go, "Hey, I haven't done this before!"

"You mean you've never had sex?"

No I mean I've never kissed!

"Uh... well, bye."

What scares me a lot these days is when I find something, and I'm like "Hey, this is cool, this is funny." And it really is. And Then I see that my friends all have found the same thing. So it's like, "Whoah, hey, this is something really cool here, ya know?"

And then it happens.

Either A)Whatever it is, is either cancelled or B)the next thing I know, some frat has made Sigma Sigma South Park shirts.

It sucks. You find something cool, something that you think "Hey, this is my kind of funny." and then then you see that, No, it's just the lowest common denominator again.

I mean every f#@ker in my dorm last year had some South Park crap on their door. And every Wendsday you'd hear a huge ruckuss as the same six shows were laughed at. But did anyone get it when Sidney Potier turned into Gamera? Like those beer guzzlers even know who Potier is.

But the real news is, South Park got old real fast. Although the Simpson comparisons have gotten old, I have to say, South Park is "Ziggy" compared to The Simpson's "Calvin and Hobbes." You might laugh just form the first shock, but it sure didn't require you to think.

So two last things.

First, anyone who wants can have my South Park shirt for $8.00. I've worn it, i think, six times. It's clean.

Second, please don't watch Sifl and Olly. Sock puppets are as dead as Shari Lewis. Ignore 'em.

Editor's Note: The opinions of Mr. Glowczewski do not reflect those of the Shrubbery editorial staff. Sure, South Park got real old real fast, but I love Sifl and Olly!

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