September 1998
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THE MINISTRY OF CULTURE

#4 GUNS
Shut it.



'Sit still class or I'll shove a planet up yer arse,' as Aristotle was so fond of saying. This month the microscopic topic under the supreme lens of my intellect is 'GUN CONTROL.' Now, don't lose your head, this is a contentious topic in the US and in BRITAIN currently, so I'd like to be sure you can handle it. Can you? Good.

Now then, let us compare and contrast the UK and the USA to see how guns have an impact on society.


IN THE UK:

Guns are as scarce as hygienic cows. Death from gunshot wounds are rare since nobody at all has any guns whatsoever. That is to say nobody except farmers, policemen and those gormless, chinless hunting folk. And the army of course, I mean, they have to have guns, right? An army without guns, that would be absurd. Oh, drug dealers have loads of guns, naturally. 

But the point remains the same: because of extravagant but narrow gun control measures, deaths from gunshot wounds are uncommon. Think about it, when you watch "UPSTAIRS DOWNSTAIRS," or read JANE EYRE, does anyone get shot? Well? No, they don't, do they? Apart from in episode 13 of  "Upstairs Downstairs," but even that was an American visitor.




IN THE US:

In the US everybody, but everybody carries a gun. From newly born babies to long buried corpses. Even the animals carry guns. One only has to watch a Tarantino movie or True Grit to see the evidence. Death after death after death. It's a wonder that there are any people left in America at all, so it is. So why is this? Well? Come on! Don't lets always see the same hands.


THE CONSTITUTION

Yes that's right. Americans have a CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT to bear arms, and are thus FREE. For those that don't understand such matters, let me explain them to you. A hundred years ago a man called Abraham Lincoln (the first president) went on a walk around the cherry trees, he was to famously cut down. He called this walk his 'constitutional' and it was on one such walk that the idea for a big set of rules that set out the rights of a nation came to him. But what to call it?

These rules were not to be broken - they were divine rights of everyman and never could they be changed. Except for the amendments, obviously. The second amendment is known as 'The Right To Bear Arms.' This does not mean Americans are entitled to give birth to guns, it's just poorly phrased. What it means is that in America you have the freedom to own a gun, as opposed to other countries where you have the freedom not to be shot at.


GUN GRABBERS

As a consequence of the extreme violence and horrific death toll attributable to the widespread ownership of guns by often poorly educated yet inarguably free people, a group of backward thinking regressive scaredy cats, lovingly referred to as 'Gun Grabbers' has materialised. These Gun Grabbers do everything in their power to give guns a bad name, often pointing to the hundreds of thousands of casualties a year. The Gun Lovers argue that cars also are responsible for hundreds of thousands of deaths. That's alright then.


FOUR YEAR OLDS

Another argument put forward by the GUN LOVERS is that 'GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE. PEOPLE WITH GUNS KILL PEOPLE.' This is akin to saying,  'HEROIN DOES NOT KILL PEOPLE. PEOPLE WITH HEROIN KILL PEOPLE.' It is interesting to note that the GUN LOVERS don't like this pointed out to them.

IN THE UK (SLIGHT RETURN)

Luckily for us in the UK, we have gun control laws that prevent all but the most persistent psychopaths getting their sweating, twitching hands on heavy-duty fire-power. This gives us great comfort because it forces our murderers to use baseball bats.  Unfortunately it also leaves us susceptible to TYRRANNY and TOTAL CONTROL BY THE STATE, Ooops.



WHAT HAVE WE LEARNT?


  • BRITISH PEOPLE ARE PANSIES AND ARE SCARED OF LITTLE OLD GUNS.


  • PEOPLE WHO ARE IN FAVOUR OF GUN CONTROL ARE REVOLUTIONARY COMMUNISTS


  • CIGARETTES DON'T KILL PEOPLE. PEOPLE WITH CIGARETTES KILL PEOPLE.




Until next time

Lager-top

Uncle Summy

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