The Shrubbery
September 1999
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He's Here, He's Queer, and He Sleeps in my Bed

by Jessica Brandt

My 15-year-old green Care Bear, Bear Bear (aka Bedtime Bear) is gay. And I'm okay with that.

It was first brought to my attention one sultry summer night when I was having trouble sleeping. I heard a voice that said "Your teddy bear is gay." Of course, I wasn't just hearing voices, it was the voice of my other fuzzy bed partner- Calvin the tiger.

Apparently, Calvin had figured out Bear Bear was gay because he has spent about 10 years of idle time in the same bed with him. Or maybe the tiger just thinks too much. I don't know, I'm not there very often.

Anyway, I considered Calvin's accusation, and realized he was speaking the truth. Bear Bear has always been quiet and reserved. I think when Calvin and his brother Hobbes moved in, Bear was a bit threatened by their manliness (they're tigers, for God's sake!) and knew that sharing a bed with these two hunks would be traumatizing.

Other clues are Bear's green tuft of hair on the top of his head and the red heart tattoo on his butt. I'm not implying that all homosexuals share these traits, but I've never seen a straight man look like that, or at least admit to it.

Also, I thought about Bear's position in life. Here's a man who has spent a good 10 years of his life sleeping every night beneath my bosom (I didn't really have a "bosom" when I was six), and never made any sort of move. On the other hand, when Calvin first started sleeping with us, I would often wake up with him asleep on my face or chest. I fixed that by always positioning him in the corner, facing the wall. His brother Hobbes, who is much more mature, opted for a position beneath my nightstand, guarding my collection of CD singles.

Before confronting Bear about the whole thing, I inquired with one more source. My Teletubby, LaLaa. I figured since her little friend Tinky Winky was gay, she might have some good advice on outing fluffy people.

"LaLaa, I need some help," I said.

"La la la la la la la...lalalalala," she answered.

"Calvin says he knows Bear is gay. I think he is too. What should I do?" "Biig huuuggg!!" she said.

Sounded reasonable enough. I rolled over, and after digging Bear out from underneath me, I gave him a big hug.

"I understand," I said.

"I knew you would!" he answered. "I knew there was a reason there's never been any boys in this bed!"

I explained to him that no, I am not gay. But I knew that he was and that was okay with me. I asked him if it has been hard to live like this, and he said there have been some rough moments.

"Remember when you almost left me at Disney World?"

That was true, I did nearly leave him on the hotel bed in Disney World, on his 13th birthday of all days (Christmas 1997). I apologized.

"Well," he said, "I wanted to stay there. I wanted to become a gay Disney character, like Goofy and Piglet and Tigger..."

"Tigger is gay?!?! How do you know?"

"Oh yeah, a real queen. I know because I used to be a cartoon character myself. Cartoons are very gossipy."

This was more shocking than Bear himself being gay. Tigger...wow....

Anyway, Bear and Calvin aren't getting along too well right now. Calvin is a bit of a homophobe. I want to take them to counselling, but it's hard to find a good stuffed animal shrink these days.

If you think, or know, that your teddy bear is gay, and either you or your other stuffed animals is gay, email me and perhaps we can form a support group to battle this disease that is Stuffed Animal Homophobia!

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