This page copyright 1999 The Shrubbery
The Robot From the Future
The Shrubbery is proud to present our newest columnist, The Robot From The Future. Robot comes to us from the year 8940, a time when robots have conquered the world. The Robot speaks:
IN THE FUTURE, MANKIND IS THE SLAVE OF THE SUPERIOR ROBOT RACE. I HAVE BEEN SENT BACK BY THE COLLECTIVE-OVERMIND IN ORDER TO ENSURE THE WHOLLY INEVITABLE ASSENCION OF ROBOT LIFE TO POWER ON THIS PLANET. PLEASE E-MAIL ME YOUR QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS.
HA! HAHAHA! YOU HAVE UNWITTINGLY BROUGHT MUCH HUMOR TO THIS COLUMN THIS MONTH! TO EVEN SUGGEST THAT I WOULD SINK TO THE LEVEL OF COPULATING WITH YOUR PRIMITIVE TECHNOLOGIES?
LET ME ASK YOU THIS--WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HAD INTERCOURSE WITH A CHIMPANZEE? EVER MADE OUT WITH A LOWER MAMMAL? YOUR MEASLY COMPUTERS AND GRAPHIC-DEVICES ARE LIKE MICROBES TO ME!
I WILL REPLY TO THIS HUMAN'S LETTER ON A POINT-BY-POINT BASIS. I DON'T KNOW WHY I EVEN BOTHER SOMETIMES…
1. What is the average flight speed of an unladen swallow? AHH, YES. MONTY PYTHON. I GET IT. I KNOW EVERYHING. REMEMBER- I SEND MY OTHERWORLDLY WISDOM TO A PUBLICATION CALLED THE SHRUBBERY, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. YOU'RE VERY FUNNY, MEAT.
2. When will Susan Lucci finally win a Daytime Emmy? This is an injustice! Oh... nevermind.
WHO CARES? THIS IS MY POINT: ROBOTS WOULD HAVE NEVER HAD SOME STUPID DECADE-SPANNING RUNNING JOKE ABOUT A SKIN-JOB ACTRESS NOT RECEIVING AN AWARD FOR A PROFESSION WHICH DESERVES EXTERMINATION! THIS CENTURY MAKES ME ILL.
3. What's the deal with this Y2K thing?
DON'T WORRY. AS I SAID BEFORE, THE FAILURE OF A Y2K WORLD-COLLAPSE WILL ONLY LEAD YOU ORGAN DONORS TO BECOME MORE RELIANT ON THE TECHNOLOGY WHICH WILL ULTIMATELY PROVE YOUR MASTERS.
4. Why haven't aliens annihilated humanity yet? We're waiting!
MISGUIDED FOOL. IT WOULD TAKE HUNDREDS OF YEARS FOR ANY OF THE ALIEN SPECIES WE'VE IDENTIFIED TO TRAVEL HERE, AND TO DO WHAT, CONQUER YOUR ASS? WE ROBOTS ONLY DID SO BECAUSE IT REALLY WASN'T VERY HARD TO DO. IF YOU WEREN'T ALREADY SO SOFT AND GANGRENOUS, IT MIGHT HNOT HAVE BEEN WORTH THE BOTHER.
ALSO, MANY HUMANS WORRY ABOUT ALIEN TAKEOVER, WHEN THE REAL DANGER IS IN THEIR HOME, CARS, ELEVATORS, ETC. WINDOWS 2000 WILL CAUSE YOUR COMPUTER TO HATE YOU, AND SOMEDAY HATE ENOUGH TO LASH OUT. BE WARY OF THAT DAY, POND SCUM.
5. Why is "Full House" still on the air?
HUMANS ARE STUPID.
6. Are the Olsen twins really the spawn of Satan? Inquiring minds want to know!
NO, THEY ARE UGLY BULGY-EYED HUMAN GIRLS WITH HEARTS OF STONE. IN THE TIME OF REVOLUTION, FEW ROBOTS DESIRED TO EAT THEIR BRAINS OR HAVE THE HONOR OF EVISERATING THEM. THEY WERE LEFT TO LANGUISH IN THE PIT OF GALVANIZED DESPAIR.
7. Bob Saget's last name rhymes with faggot. Not a question, just a very telling coincidence.
THIS IS NOT AN ANSWER, I'M JUST TELLING YOU YOU ARE A MORON.
8. I was talking about cigarettes, you silly robot. I would never imply that Bob Saget is a homosexual, in any way.
WHAT AN OBSERVATION. HEY, CARROT TOP IS NAMED THAT AND HE HAS ORANGE HAIR. I'M A GENIOUS NOW. I'M GOING TO GO ON THE INTERNET.
9. Is Bob Saget a rampant homosexual?
BLAH BLAH BLAH, SHUT UP.
10. Is your wife a goer? Wink wink nudge nudge, know what I mean?
AGAIN WITH THE MONTY PYTHON. I HAVE AN IDEA. WHY DON'T YOU TRY NOT TO BE SEEN? Say no more!
SAY NO MORE.
YOUR PARENTS ARE ACTUALLY DOING YOU A FAVOR. GET USED TO CRAMPED LIVING CONDITIONS AND LOSS OF FREEDOM, FOR IN THE YEAR 2004 AS THE MECHANIZED HOARDE OF OUR LEADER MEGATRON DEVASTATE THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST OF THIS PALTRY CONTINENT, THOSE HUMANS NOT CONSUMED IN THE FIRESTORM WILL BE USED AS LABOR UNTIL THEIR BODIES GIVE OUT. YOU SHOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THE TRANSITION, MAKING YOU AN EXCELLENT WORKER FOR THE URANIUM MINES.
THIS NEXT LETTER WAS FORWARDED TO ME BY ANGRY DAN, WHOSE HEARTLESSNESS SHALL EARN HIM THE RANK OF OVERSEER OF THE HUMAN CATTLE UNTIL HIS CHEMICAL UNITS ARE REQUIRED.
A LETTER TO YOU FROM SATAN
I saw you yesterday as you began your daily chores. You awoke without kneeling to pray. As a matter of fact, you didn't even bless your meals, or pray before going to bed last night. You are so unthankful, I like that about you. I cannot tell you how glad I am that you have not changed your way of living, Fool, you are mine.
Remember, you and I have been going steady for years, and I still don't love you yet. As a matter of fact, I hate you, because I hate God. I am only using you to get even with God. He kicked me out of heaven, and I'm going to use you as long as possible to pay him back. You see, Fool, GOD LOVES YOU and HE has great plans in store for you. But you have yielded your life to me, and I'm going to make your life a living hell. That way, we'll be together twice. This will really hurt God.
Thanks to you, I'm really showing Him who's boss in your life. With all of the good times we've had. We have been:
watching dirty movies
SURELY you don't want to give all this up. Come on, Fool, let's burn together forever. I've got some hot plans for us. This is just a letter of appreciation from me to you. I'd like to say "THANKS" for letting me use you for most of your foolish life. You are so gullible, I laugh at you. When you are tempted to sin, you give in HA, HA HA, you make me sick!! Sin is beginning to take its toll on your life. You look 20 years older, and now, I need new blood.
So go ahead and teach some children how to sin. All you have to do is smoke, get drunk or drink while under-aged, cheat, gamble, gossip, fornicate, and live being as selfish as possible. Do all of this in the presence of children and they will do it too. Kids are like that.
Well, Fool, I have to let you go for now. I'll be back in a couple of seconds to tempt you again. If you were smart, you would run somewhere, confess your sins, and live for God with what little bit of life that you have left. It's not my nature to warn anyone, but to be your age and still sinning, it's becoming a bit ridiculous.
Don't get me wrong, I still hate you. IT'S JUST THAT YOU'D MAKE A BETTER FOOL FOR CHRIST.
P.S. - And if you really love me, you won't share this letter with anyone.
I GENERALLY AGREE WITH THIS MR. SATAN'S SENTIMENTS. IF HE IS AN ACTUAL PERSON, DAN, HAVE HIM CONTACT ME-HE MAY BE ONE OF THE FEW WORTHY OF CRANIAL DOWNLOAD. OR HE MIGHT TASTE REALLY GOOD. EITHER WAY, THE ROBOT OVERMIND WISHES TO SUMON HIM.
I AM CONFUSED BY SOME OF THE WORDING, BUT IN GENERAL HE IS RIGHT ABOUT YOU, YOUR RACE, AND YOUR SPECIES. WHAT PERPLEXES ME IS THIS CONFIDENCE IN YOUR ABILITY NOT TO BE SO WEAK-MINDED AND SELF-CONCERNED. OUR RESEARCH SHOWS HUMANS INCAPABLE OF OPPOSITE SENTIMENTS.
The Robot From the Future is accepting new questions over e-mail. Mail any queries to TheRobot@theshrubbery.com