The Shrubbery
September 1999
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Are You Tony Blair?

A Quiz by Philip Dore

Are you finding it impossible to open your mouth without dispensing a media-friendly soundbite? Does your wife permanently look like she's had an electric shock? Do your teeth double as a radar reflector? It may be time to face up to the worrying truth that you may actually be Tony Blair. Answer the questionairre below to find out.

1. The millenium's coming up. How should we celebrate it?

a) We shouldn't! It only represents two thousand years of failing to achieve a global revolution.
b) Conduct a grand exhibition to celebrate all things British, so as to remind people born in other countries how unfortunate they are to be foreign.
c) Stick a giant upturned wok on the banks of the Thames, fill it with trivial tat about Christianity and time, and cover the whole thing in teflon in the hope that it'll stop the sh*t from sticking.

2. Poor people are...

a) The sleeping giants of the revolution. Once they realise their strength, the the capitalists will be overthrown and the workers shall inherit the Earth. Of course, this doesn't include the ones who read The Sun and kept Thatcher in power all through the 80s. Bastards.
b) I don't know. I've never met any, but I expect they don't wash.
c) The forgotten souls of 90s Britain; the downtrodden many who we must reach out to. What are we going to do to help them? Erm, can I get back to you on that one?

3. A couple of warring African states sign a peace treaty. Do you:

a) Rejoice in another victory for international peace and co-operation. Besides, it's important to always feel sorry for black people.
b) Pretend to be pleased but curse inwardly. You were about to make a fortune in arms sales.
c) Take the first plane out there, hog all the limelight, twitter on about the need for action rather than soundbites while constantly dispensing soundbites, and try to ignore the fact that if only you had been a little less half-hearted about the UN peacekeeping efforts, you could have ended the war two years ago and saved thousands of lives.

4. What would go on your list of what is 'Cool Britannia'?

a) Well, the Poll Tax riots were pretty cool.
b) The Henley Regatta, Windsor Castle, Boy's Own comics, slaughtering the natives in Rhodesia, Rolls Royces, thrashing the Argies in 1982.
c) Simply Red, Oasis, Kate Moss and ludicrously expensive domes on the banks of the Thames.

5. The minimum wage should be...

a) At least 50 an hour. Let's bleed those capitalists dry.
b) Resisted with all our might. What kind of Communist idea is this? Not that you'd ever catch me trying to live on 2 an hour. I was meant for higher things.
c) Implemented immediately. We are determined to rid Britain of the scourge of low pay, which is why we're sticking to our guns and setting an absolute minimum wage of 20p an hour.

6. What does the 19th Century symbolise to you?

a) Class exploitation, child labour, rampant imperialism.
b) Britain ruling the world, good old fashioned family values, dear Queen Victoria watching over us.
c) A unique opportunity to package Britain's heritage for the tourist industry.

7. The centre of the universe is:

a) Karl Marx's grave.
b) Margaret Thatcher's bodice.
c) Me.

8. What should be done about crime?

a) What society chooses to call crime is simply the various expressions of frustration by members of the underclass against the government regime, and I'm sticking to that idea so long as nobody touches my car stereo.
b) String them up, bring back the birch and reintroduce public hanging. By the way, you won't mention my little misunderstanding with the police about kerb-crawling, will you?
c) We intend to be tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime, reaching out with a firm hand, addressing the victim as well as the offender...(continue to drivel on in this vein for about half an hour, before finally admitting that you aren't going to do anything about it at all.)

9. How do you wipe your backside after using the toilet?

a) I don't need to. As a fully paid up member of the working classes my daily toil provides a steady and constant stream of sweat through my bum-crack, providing a natural cleansing action and negating the need for wiping.
b) Massaged clean by my Philipino manservant Julio using the finest silk. And I enjoy it.
c) Hang on, I'll just ask Peter Mandelson.

10. You're sitting in a pub and two people start having a fight with each other. What do you do?

a) Persuade them to put aside their differences and join forces against The Man, who has just raised the bar tariffs again.
b) Get the butler to set the dogs on them, then write a deranged letter to the Daily Mail about declining standards among young people today.
c) Drop a planeload of napalm on the pub from 30,000 feet, killing both men as well everybody else in the pub and flattening most of the area. Claim the result as a victory for international justice.

How did you score?

Mostly A's

You are the epitome of old-fashioned socialism, shouting from the rooftops about anarchy and class struggle - except that your Dad is probably an estate agent from Tunbridge Wells. Revolt, but not to the extent that your parents stop your pocket money. You may possibly be in Chumbawamba.

Mostly B's You're a Tory. Nobody likes you. Not even your mother. Enjoy the next few decades of electoral oblivion.

Mostly C's

Face it, you are Tony, and you'll rule the world forever with a flash of your grin and a very smart tie. Enjoy.

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