The only thing I could come up with was a really bad joke, and here it is: "Recently, I went to the doctor for my first check-up since the Bush Administration. She noticed that my cholesterol was 144, and said that was good. Unfortunately, I disagree, and am going to boost it by eating three bacon and cheese omelets - cooked in butter - a day."

As you can see, I goofed. I couldn't think of any decent topics, or even any clever insults about Angry Dan and his rabid dislike of me. (Maybe it's because I have a cooler haircut, or something.) Anyway, here's where I have decided not to pack it in but to suck up to you, the Shrub reader.

Dear reader, it's audience participation time - I want you to e-mail me with feedback and ideas. Think of me as your bad lounge singer at your local Holiday Inn.

Feel free to suggest topics, or to ask me to write special messages to your loved ones. As you can see by checking out my past articles, I have no problem sucking up to the readership.

Want me to ask that special someone out on a date for you? I'll do it. Want me to discuss Peter Tork as the musical genius behind the Monkees? I'll do it. Need some big ass philosophical concepts discussed? I'll do it. Since I can't think of anything else to write about, you're more than welcome to tell me what to write.

Just send me an e-mail at Gordon_D@theshrubbery.com. (No, I won't give you my home address - I get plenty of notes written in large letters using red crayon...and those are from ex-girlfriends). Say hello, send me mash notes, and all sorts of other stuff.

Until next time, this month's secret message is BSF EJIDG UFSTS GMQIJZ JOKD HT LJQWH Q IQIJIJ KGJ.