"The Most Mysterious Show EVER"
by P. Kellach
To show that I have been at this TV stuff for a very long time, I have to
discuss more of my oddness as a tyke (No, I am not going anywhere creepy,
well at least I do not think so.) From my earliest memories of reading at
all, I have been addicted to TV schedules. From newspapers, from inserts, and, oh my, that #1 magazine in America, TV GUIDE!
How I loved going through TV
guides in different cities and stuff to see when shows came on elsewhere, all
of this was a big thrill for me (OK, maybe this IS creepy.)
But in every schedule I have ever read and in every TV guide I have ever
looked at...there has always been this ONE show...I have never EVER been able
to track down.
Like Kimble after the one armed man, like kitties after yarn and that new
Whiskas, and like Mulder after trying to find out which little green men ran
off with his sis, I have chased this show. And now even with the advent of
technology this show is featured on that comforting rolling TV schedule on
the TV Guide channel!!!
So I have tried to watch it to no avail. Like an evil mountain to my
TV-Watching Sisyphus this show runs when it knows I am going to find it.
5:40 a.m. on BET...still missed it (I think it was replaced by a rerun of "That's My Mama who Is Happening With Bill Cosby" or something)
6:10 a.m. on Animal
Planet...I still missed it (Pre-empted for a rerun of "When My Dog Ate My Carpet" or something.)
4:45 a.m on local CBS network...preempted for an
entire infomercial about INSOLES ( What's next, the Dr. Scholl's Network?)
Not being able to ever catch this show when it has been scheduled is not
the ONLY huge mystery. In all of my TV reference books (yes there ARE such
things) no mentioned is ever made of this show and from both my memories
AND from my perusing of OLD TV guides...I KNOW this show has been around and
scheduled since at least the early 60s. But it was never found by anyone
trying to watch it EVER.
This show (usually 30 minutes long...at times an hour) is like
Schroedinger's Program- it seems to be listed often in some widely varying
times but no matter when I try to catch it, it simply is not there.
So WHAT is this show of such imperial mystery? I bet you have seen it
listed yourself, and maybe you- like me- have always wondered what the
The title of this show that has confounded my entire TV Watching life is
TO BE ANNOUNCED.
I have never even been able to find anyone who even knows what it is about!
But here are some of my theories:
I think it sort of sounds like it could be an ultra-melodramatic soap
opera (Yes, I know that is sort of redundant.) The title just has this sort
of "Search for Tomorrow"-esque quality. Every scene is about someone perhaps
about to make some big announcement, like who their illegitimate child is or
what disease they have or who killed someone. And can't you just hear the
booming voice at the beginning screaming over a bunch of thundering
organ/orchestral music " TO...BE...ANNOUNCED!!"?
Or perhaps this could be another of those (usually) dreadfully dull shows
like "Meet The Press" or "Face the Nation" (especially noting since it only seems
to be scheduled in wee morning hours) where a bunch of people usually with
really bad suits on discuss the fate of some world or national issue with
someone else who has an equally as bad suit on. I can hear this beginning
too- fade in to a boring panel table and some stentorian Father-sounding
like person saying "TO BE ANNOUNCED" followed by some sort of addendum like
"A show where people talk about things that are supposed to be important...
especially to all of you watching that probably aren't dressed yet"
Or my third idea is maybe this is a spy show along the lines of "Mission:
Impossible." They show 6 different spy people separately getting summoned by
some mysterious boss to go on some mysterious adventure (Not all of them
being white men of course, gotta be P.C. and have say a woman whose specialty
makes her smarter than all the guys and incredibly sexually attractive to
boot...along with a black guy or an Asian that will be incredibly aloof and
correctly behave like he is smarter than everyone else, except for the babe
of course.) And all of their oblivious honeys and significant others (we're
being P.C. remember) all ask them where they are going and what are they
going to be doing. But they don't know until they get there...because
remember.. it's TO BE ANNOUNCED.
So if anyone has ever caught this show or knows exactly what it is about I
would really like to know...maybe you could tape it for me and end my quest.