October 1998
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The Big, Giant Disclaimer
To Begin the "Jesus Issue."

Or, "A Letter From the Editors"

October is a month for ghosts and ghouls, Halloween and fall and all those other "Pagan rituals," as my mom calls them. So we here at The Shrubbery decided that you, the reader, needed a little "saving" this time of the year. Thus, we bring you:

The Jesus Issue

Now, we like to think of ourselves as a "humor e-zine," and Jessica can be quoted as saying "There's nothing funnier than Jesus Christ," so we put two and two together and got: Let's make a whole issue dedicated to Jesus!

We're not trying to convert anyone to Christianity. In fact, the religions of our staff and contributors remains unknown. We also do not mean to offend any Christians by what we publish. It's all in good fun, it's all in good taste (hopefully), and it's all we've got for this month so LIVE WITH IT.

If you have a severe problem with anything you ever read in The Shrubbery, please send us nasty, incoherent hate-mail so we can post it in the next issue and mock you.

One other note, please help us out with our flyer blitz. Putting a banner on your website or adding our URL to your sig also counts as helping out. This e-zine has been officially backed by God, so it might be a good idea to stick with us...

Jessica Brandt
Jessica Brandt

Jason Morrison
Jason Morrison

Two funny parables not found in the bible

Jesus was famous for teaching through his parables, or stories with a moral to them. Though most of our knowledge of him comes from the Bible, there are a few parables about Jesus not found in the Bible that we think will make you laugh, and make you think too.

Parable Number One:

Jesus was walking down the beach one day when he saw a little boy who seemed sad. Being the son of God and all, Jesus decicded to cheer him up, and he did so with a little joke:

"Little boy, what do you think was the last thing that went through an insects mind when it got smashed on a windshield?" Jesus asked.

"I don't know..." the boy answered.

"Why it's ass, of course!" Jesus shouted, laughing joyfully. "Now, what do you think was the last thing that went through Abraham Lincoln's head before he died?"

"A.... a bullet?"

"Yes, that's right!" Jesus laughed, harder than the last time. "Now, what was the last thing going through my mind when I died for your sins on the cross?"

"Umn.... how much you love us?" the boy tried.

"No! A bunch of thorns, of course!" Jesus doubled over, racked with laughter. "Now, what was the last thing to go through my wrists and ankles?"

"..."

"Give up? Big huge spikes! Ha ha ha!" And with that, Jesus left the boy, never to be seen again.

Parable Number Two:

Jesus walked into an inn and the innkeeper asked if he would like to stay the night.

"Yes, I would, but I have no money to pay you," Jesus replied.

"That's okay. I will gladly barter with you for other goods or services. You could pay off the night's stay if you only help me fix my fence tomorrow."

Jesus, a carpenter, handed the man three nails and said,

"Do you have any Bactine?"

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