October 1998
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Klank Klank You're Dead

By Todd McCafferty

All right, here is the story. A tale of broken bottles and rowdy kids. A tale of police and college. An allegory of the common man.

I went to this huge party on this street they blocked off in Akron. The Party was called Allynfest, cuz the street wuz named Allyn. And I didn't add the "y" either, the street was so dope it was spelled like a No Limit album title. I get there with two of my crew, Scotty P and Baldy E. What do I see? A bunch of drunk muthas, all staggering around like they own the joint. But hell, I don't see their name on it, now do I? No, I don't.

So we swagger down the street pass all the good ole boys, parading Dixie. We see a mass of folks, all hollerin' and yellin' like a buncha Negroes. In fact, I did see a couple darkies in the lot. "What y'all doin'?" I shout. But soon enough I get a good eyeball of it myself. These folks were incitin' a riot! Throwin' bottles of moonshine and whisky onto the street! I got the spirit in me and took up a snake. But then things turned ugly.

A daw alight'd on the bough of a blazen. Me frendde Chrystofer took in his hande a bot'l and in his sublunary grace crash'd it amonge thee throng of peeple. Then an article of fur'n'tyre was plac'd amonge thee glasse strew'n s't'ree'e't. Then a flame was plac'd amonge thee fur'n'tyre, also knowne as a cowch. Then my storie takes a turne for thee worse.

I got totally bombarded by these police all in riot gear, throwing these canisters of, um, gas. It was teargas and it was blowing around and everyone was running and luckily I saw the teargas and, ahh, and I uh, ran into this house which was the house that Chris lived in and the guy wasn't letting anyone in but thankfully I was with Chris because the teargas hurt my throat and eyes and they burned.

Wait, this issue is supposed to be about Jesus right? Oh, and after all this, Jesus came and cleaned the mess up that everyone left and got crucified. But everyone felt real bad about it and we slaughtered a calf for him. Actually we cooked it on the grill and made hamburgers. But it was for Jesus Christ. Honest. And then I went to heaven.

Editor's Note: Todd is insane.

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