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October
1999
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The Top 10 Best Things About College

(Counter-Earth Style)

by Counter-Jessica

As many drunken fraternity alums will tell you, college is the best time of your life! You have so many opportunities, such a bright future, and so much to look forward to in your life as a student. I am so happy to be in college right now, that I have compiled a list of the Top Ten BEST Things About College. Believe me, it was hard to keep it down to ten!

10. The Food- College food is a huge step up from high school food. First off, it's more expensive! Hurrah! Secondly, you will most likely have to walk halfway across campus to get your square meal. Thirdly, eating doughnuts and drinking orange pop for every meal because everything else looks gross is considered very nutritional.

9. Roommates- If you're lucky enough to live in a dorm, then you will most likely have a roommate. If you come from home with a friend to room with, great! You will undoubtedly grow closer as boyfriends and girlfriends come and go in the middle of the night, your candy bars get eaten, and phone bills pile up. If you come to school to find a stranger living in your room, never fear! Learning about new forms of psychosis just might help you in the real world.

8. Scheduling- In college, especially as you move along in years, you are usually required to ASK to take certain classes. You have to go to the math department, for example, and ask them "Can I pleeeease pleeease take Intermediate Quantum Mechanical Graphing for Acquatics?" and if they like you, you're in. Just think, those "controlled registration" classes must be SO good that you have to beg!

7. Teaching Assistants- Imagine your high school teacher getting in front of your class one day and saying "Kids, I don't feel like teaching. I'm going to go play computer solitare while Darryl here, who graduated in 1998, teaches from his own lesson plans. He is scared to talk in front of people, and doesn't know the material too well, so don't ask too many questions. Also, everything he says probably won't be on the test because I've been using the same form since 1972, and the content is secret. Good luck!" That is what having a teaching assistant is like, except college professors are encouraged to have them while a stuffy old high school might frown upon the idea. And, a high-school stand in might have a little more personality than a teaching assistant. But who needs personality when you have a BA in English?

6. Parking- While only about 25% of your high school's population can drive, when you're in college, you've got thousands of driving friends! In high school, they allot so many spaces for so many cars. In college, they determine how many people will be driving each day, cut that number and half, and that's how many parking spaces they provide. This is a GOOD thing, because not only does it encourage you to wake up very very early to play "stalk the potential parking space," but you also get to play "Where-Can-I- Park-Between-These-Hours-opoly."

5. Bureaucracy- Not only do you get to experience the joys of having to ask to be in classes, but there's also a matter of asking to ask the people who you're supposed to ask Big Questions. Unlike in high school, where if you are to do something, people come to find YOU with a little pink slip from the main office, in college you're not tied down by such attacks. You could go for months and never know that you owe hundreds of dollars in fines, or were supposed to meet with your adviser 3 weeks ago, or that your grandmother died. Unless you're willing to take the time to follow the roped-off sections of the bursar's office to find out exactly which window to visit next, you're home free. Free to worry about these things later!

4. Fraternities- Oh, the joy of fraternizing. Where do I begin? They've got frats that specialize in binge drinking, those that specialize in date rape, crystal meth, football, role playing games, accountancy, and anything else you wish. Some frats even make you experience the joy of public embarassment before letting you partake in all of these wonderful activities, which will no doubt help you in the future.

3. Friends- They say that in college you will make some really great and long-lasting friendships. That's cool, because when you and your lifelong friends go to college, you will probably never speak again. He/she will either get a "significant other" and never be heard from again, join a fraternity and never be heard from again, or get a good job and never be heard from again. So when you go to college, you can dump all your old whiny friends and get new ones! Of course, your new friends will probably sleep with your girlfriend and steal your CDs, but you will then graduate and become the asshole your other friends said you were, so no shame is involved.

2. Money- It costs money to go to college. When you go to college, you will experience the joys of spending too much money on admissions, books, lab fees, parking, food, and silly things like long bed sheets. This is great for you because you will learn how to be broke, because that's how it's going to be AFTER college as well, when you can't find a job due to "overqualification." However, you will not have to buy trivial things such as books. You can get by on reading your diploma over and over again.

1. Graduation- The final step of college is graduation. You will probably not graduate in four years if you go to a four-year college. Most likely, once you complete your four years, you will have to go through the beauracracy to find out that you have not paid enough money, and you have to take one more required class in your major and 65 more credit hours of things like bowling and ballroom dancing to make you "more rounded" as a student. You will probably spend another 3 semesters going to night classes to fill your requirements while working a 40-hour-per-week job which will, in the long run, probably be more fun and pay more than any job you will get with your diploma. The good thing about this is that you will be able to say that you were a hard enough worker to work and go to school at the same time, and you will become an expert fry-cook. Oh, and on graduation day your mother will cry with joy. But not because you're finally grown up, but because she is done lending you money.

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