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October
1999
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The Thrilling Tales of Counter-Earth!


By Jason Morrison

For thousands of years scientists and philosophers wondered: what keeps the earth in so perfect an orbit around the sun? Modern science claims to have answered that question, and it has-but not with laws of gravitation, relativity and superstrings and they would have you believe.

Though few know the secret, the world's top scientists have all independently confirmed the existence of a planet on the opposite side of the sun, locked in the same orbit as our planet but diametrically opposed- the so-called Counter-Earth. Because Counter-Earth is always "behind" the sun, few scientific methods are able to detect it. But there is now undeniable proof that the Counter-Earth exists, balancing out the 6 sextillion tons of rock we call home on its journey around the sun.

The proof? Earth scientists have been to Counter-Earth! The first flight was made by a lone Californian scientist named Enrique Basquez in a custom-built atomic space rocket. The reason he had to use atomics was to generate the incredible energies needed to oppose the force of the earth's gravity and fly backwards to the Counter-Earth. As he touched down there, the Counter-earth version of Basquez landed here, much to the chagrin of our Basquez's colleagues.

But not everything was as it seemed! Counter-Basquez looked much like our Basquez, except for a goatee. But on Counter-Earth, he was the one scientist who doubted the existence of earth, and now considered himself a failure. Scientists, being very sharp at this sort of thing, soon asked further questions: What is the weather like on counter earth, they wondered?

"It's warm in winter, and usually never rains on your day off. Or after you wash your car."

He went on.

"Cars fly through the air, but if you want to go faster to can take a boat down the highway or a water-plane. People walk to work on their hands but spend most of their time playing fu games to provide for their families. The WB is the most-watched network on television, and Cop Rock just had it's big finale episode, the highest rated program of all time."

Soon the scientists discovered that Counter-Earth, as a balance to Earth, was exactly the opposite! There was only one thing to do- send more people to Counter-earth so more counter-people would return. And who better to send to report on Counter-Earth than journalists?

Dan was in the right place at the right time, and lied to the President saying he and his fellow Shrub columnists were respected journalists on the internet and should be the ones to go. Dan, FactBoy, Todd and the rest of our columnists (except for Summy, who is British) were sent to Counter-Earth just as counter-thems arrived- with their columns already written! On time! Counter-Earth sure is strange.

We can only hope and pray that the real John and Kel and Ryan are okay and will return shortly. But for now, please enjoy the counter-columns and a counter-feature or two.

Or as they say on Counter-Earth, thank you hate a regular-row nor the regular-boring stuff or twelve.

This just in from NASA!

Further proof of the high-level conspiracy against the public's knowledge of Counter-Earth.

Could there be another planet in Earth's exact orbit, but behind the Sun?

"The Ancient Greeks proposed just such a 'counter-Earth.' But no, 
there is no such object. We know how gravity works in the solar 
system. There is no way that a Counter-Earth would remain
exactly behind the Sun while being constantly perturbed by the 
other planets. Eventually it would end up on a slightly different 
orbit by a few miles, and the synchrony would vanish. It would slowly
slide out from behind the Sun and would have been observed over the
millenia as a new planet."
	Dr. Sten Odenwald

(From Ask The Space Scientist)

Odenwald is obviously in the pockets of the pro-status quo, anti-philosophical big business interests that have kept this country back for the past 100 years. Give it up, Odenwald, we're on to it now.

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