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Happy Dan's Column

Hazing is Our Friend

by Daniel Strohl

You know what I'm happy about this month? No, not just happy about it, I'm ecstatic. Hazing. Yes, the fine upstanding tradition of humiliating new members of a fraternity, social club or athletic team for the incredibly important feeling of inclusion.

Yes, I've heard that some people are opposed to these acts of initiation, but they're incredibly important. First of all, hazing strengthens the bonds of brotherhood and sisterhood within the particular organization. I mean, after I get doused with ketchup, mayonnaise, relish and mustard while standing in just my underwear at the bottom of a fraternity's stairwell just makes me feel all that closer to that fraternity's brothers.

And second, hazing ensures one's loyalty to the organization. If organizations just allow anybody to enter without proving their fidelity in an incredibly brave and loyalty-enhancing act such as kegstands, than how can the organization trust that member later on down the road to, say, cover up when his brother rapes that hot chick that came to the party? Or when, say, his teammates get thrown into jail, who will bail them out except someone with strong ties of brotherhood that were proved when he had to eat that Saltine everyone else on the tem masturbated upon? Hmmm?

So I say that without these hazings or initiations, the social allegiances we all seek as human beings could never be attained and we would be thrown into a meaningless void without a regular schedule of beer blasts, assaults and sexual assaults, the comfort of artificial friendships or the guarantee that you will get a high-paying job right out of college without any effort.

Has Dan made you happy?

If so, feel free to click on the image to the right and let him know just how wrong he is.

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