November 1998
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(by Navin Weeraratne)

Today is election day! ELECTION DAY! All over the country people are stepping out of their comfort zones to go up and exercise their citizen rights! As hack writer for the Neanderthal Rights Association I must ask you to cast your vote for the Republican Party!


If you become a Republican your life becomes so much better! You'll be old, but you'll be rich! You won't see any young people where you live, carving out their new lives but you'll see more of you, barely existing! More of you with Parkinson's, with Alzheimer's, with Arthritis, with Leprosy scars because Democrats weren't in power when you should have been immunized, but your teeth won't hurt on your left side because Medicare (paid for by young people with no money, trying to carve out their lives) will have taken out your tobacco-cancered jaws! (See back issue, "Tobacco is Great…").


Vote Republican! You get all sorts of fringe benefits, every election day you'll get some young person who wants to grow up to be just like you, calling you up and being all nice to you to get you to vote! You'll be old and young people will be nice to you! Yes, I know young people are nice to old people anyway, but you're a rich Republican old person! Young people carving out their lives with no money aren't nice to you! They resent paying for your Medicare when you didn't pass school levies to get them better educated and so more money! Every election day you get to feel like a part of the human race!


If you're a young Republican, there's so much going for you! You'll go to a private school, so you can smile when your parents don't pass school levies! You can drive past the crumbling public schools in your BMW and sneer! You can toss quarters out of the window at starving homeless people, but they'll be Canadian quarters! You can shop at a mall for college supplies, and be really snotty and mean to the people who tend on you who will be democrats who couldn't go to college because the school levies weren't passed! You get to be an asshole and wear a suit!


Yes, there is life beyond college for the Young Republican! You get to go off to Leech School and learn how to cheat, lie and rob but be protected by the law! A long time ago a bunch of Cheaters, Liars and Robbers worked out that the best way to do this was to get control of the laws! These people started law firms and today we call them Republicans! You get paid lots of money to put democrats in jail for resenting you not passing school levies, and robbing things from you like your BMW to pay for things like bread, milk and cheese! You can legally take away the bread, milk and cheese from their starving children and get paid for it! If they've already eaten it you can legally cut open their bellies and rip it out, and then feed them to your Doberman!


You get to have all these young people come in on election day and work for you, all those young Republicans looking up at you to be just like you, play Golf like you, trip and fall a lot like you, use Viagra like you, sleep with interns after overdosing on Viagra (your Weed days are over) like you, attack other people who sleep with interns like you, filibuster and frustrate the running of the country like you, all this to you for getting into office and accomplishing nothing! No where else will so much be given for so little! It's just like Welfare, but on the other end! The more you say no to Welfare for starving children with their bellies ripped open, the more you get!

IMPEACHMENT IS GREAT! (Except with Tricky Dick in power).

Remember that democrat that got away? The one who sold out his own party to keep us happy? The one who's always attacking us for trying to cut away Big Government by getting rid of Welfare bread, milk and cheese, because he hasn't got the nuts to keep it, but he does have nuts and that gets Viagra users all mad? Let's get him out of power! We want a real Republican in the President's seat! Let's get Thurmond in power, he might die by then but would you notice the difference?

Go out now, go out and use your vote!

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