The Robot From the Future
November, 1998
The Shrubbery is proud to present our newest columnist, The Robot From The Future. Robot comes to us from the year 8940, a time when robots have conquered the world. The Robot speaks:
Click on the text to HEAR The Robot speak!
IN THE FUTURE, MANKIND IS THE SLAVE OF THE SUPERIOR
ROBOT RACE. I HAVE BEEN SENT BACK BY THE COLLECTIVE-OVERMIND IN ORDER TO
ENSURE THE WHOLLY INEVITABLE ASSENCION OF ROBOT LIFE TO POWER ON THIS PLANET.
PLEASE E-MAIL ME YOUR QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS.
Dear Robot From the Future,
I need help with my Panasonic HJ-2700i multifunction VCR--It's malfunctioning.
It plays and records
tapes fine, but I can't figure out how to get the darn thing to quit blinking "12:00"
24 hours a day, seven days a week. The manual is pretty inclear on this subject.
Mike Erlist
Artist, Northton, NJ
DEAR MIKE,
I CANNOT HELP YOU WITH YOUR VCR FOR TWO REASONS:
1] IT IS NOT A MALFUNCTION AND 2] YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY AN IDIOT IF YOU CAN'T
EVEN CHANGE THE TIME ON YOUR VCR. NOW MIKE, PLEASE GET AN EXTENSION CORD
AND BRING YOUR VCR OVER TO THE SCREEN, I WANT TO TALK TO HIM.
Dear Robot From the Future,
I'm having problems controlling my two dogs Epe and Chiggers, both four years old
(that's in human years). They are both well fed, but every time I leave the house they get
into everything! The pantry, the garbage, they'll even eat some poop if the opportunity
arises. What can I do?
Jan Skylight
Canton, Missouri
JAN
HERE'S A LITTLE SYSTEM WE ROBOTS USE IN THE
FUTURE TO HELP STOP ANIMALS' UNRULY BEHAVIOR. FIRST, HOOK YOUR DOG'S COLLAR
UP TO A CHAIN AS IF YOU ARE TAKING HIM FOR A WALK. GET IN THE CAR, THEN
DRIVE SEVERAL MILES AWAY FROM HOME, FAR FROM ANY SMELLS OR LANDMARKS THE
DOG MIGHT REMEMBER. NEXT, ARRIVE AT AN ABATTOIR. PAY THE LOADING DOCK SUPERVISOR
TO SLIP THE ANIMAL INTO A BEEF SHIPMENT AND PROVIDE YOU WITH FRESH SAUSAGE.
WE ROBOTS DO NOT EAT, BUT BECAUSE YOU ARE HUMAN
YOU MAY WANT TO EAT THE SAUSAGE.
Dear Robot,
Last week, in the year 4569,
I found some shocking information in the international robot/human registry.
You and I are one in the same! There is only one way to destroy me--and
that is to destory yourself!
Just though I would let you know,
I'm off to make out with your sister.
The Robot From The Past
Via Western Union Telegram, circa 1887.
DEAR ROBOT FROM THE PAST,
DO YOU THINK THE FACT THAT ANY WAY I HURT YOU WILL INSTANTAINEOUSLY
BRIGDE THE THOUSAND YEARS AND HURT ME WILL STOP ME FROM DISMANTLING YOU
FOR MAKING TIME WITH MY SISTER?
WAIT, YOU FOOL--YOU ARE MAKING OUT WITH YOUR OWN SISTER! STOP IT BEFORE
I GOT MARRIED TO MY OWN SISTER IN 1934 IN A SMALL BUT TASTEFUL CEREMONY
AND WENT ON TO HAVE 13,456 ROBOT DUPLICATES WITH 37 HEADS AND BUCK TEETH.
NOOOOOOOO!!!
The Robot From the Future is accepting new questions over e-mail. Mail any queries
to theshrub@theshrubbery.prohosting.com
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