November 1998
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Portrait of The Artist As A Young Man I Don't Shut Up!
by Ryan Glowczewski

There once was this boy named Davey, but all his friends called him "Spudface". They called him that just because it stuck, not to be mean or call attention to something weird.

Anyway, Spudface lived in the big green house on Oliver Road. Oliver Road was peculiar in that there were only houses on the right side of the road, as the left side was part of the Earlmeyer farms. Spudface's house was the second last on the road. The last house was the old Croney house. It was abandoned.

Well, Spudface didn't believe the local rumors that that darn old house was haunted. He was only 7, but he was already a good atheist like his Commie parents and didn't believe in such things like any God-fearing Christian (or spirit-fearing pagan for that matter) would.

Well, Spudface's friend Jesus the Nazarene told him that there was too a ghost, and that its name was Legion, and he bet him $10 that he couldn't stay there the night, at least not without a copy of the Talmud he couldn't.

Spudface took his dog, Karl, into the house, and sure enough, around 8 oclock he started hearing an eerie chanting.

"Vunde gurnam caranarvinde" went the chanting.

"VUNDE gurnam CARANARVINDE," returned Karl, shocking Spudface as he didn't know his dog could talk.

(Scream the next line as you jump on the person next to you)


John Glenn is pretty damn cool. I mean, he's this old guy, and he's offering to see how fast he will die in the cold vacum of space.

What a noble sacrafice. I'm proud to have been one of his constituents during his time as Ohio's senator.

Finally someone is willing to address this huge problem. Finally we have an old man who is saying, "The elderly are truly the bane of this nation, and as one of them, I am willing to take the first step to solving this problem."

Shooting the elderly into space may have been proposed along time ago, but it's not until now, when this brave, brave man, is actually willing to let us do the necessary research to see if we can get our geriatic safely into space before jetisonning them into the sun.

We have a lot of old people in America, and is a single one doing us any good? They take up space, they drive too slow, and they're so many of them that we won't be able to get social security when we get old.

This huge festering problem is now on its way to being solved, thanks to someone once known as the "Clean Marine." A misnomer, as he's the one old man who's not afraid to get his hands dirty.

John Glenn, we salute you.

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