Last month, I had hoped to get some hate mail with my treatise that there are more important things than movie ratings. However, it seems like trying to provoke stuff isn't my forte, but I'll not give up yet. So in order to goad people into flaming me, I would like to publicly announce that we should declare war on Sweden. Let's face it, they're worthless except for their statuesque buxom blonde women and their progressive mental health & substance abuse programs. E-mail me at Gordon_D@theshrubbery.com with any comments.

Anyway, I was going to write my Top 10 Things I'm Grateful For, but I did that last year and don't wish to repeat myself. I thought I was going to suffer a crippling case of writer's block, when my pal Charlie Galindo suggested I write either about predestination vs. free will, or about abortion. I think that I'll write about my feelings about abortion.

Basically, I have mixed feelings about abortion. On the one hand, I'm not comfortable with the termination of life at any level. When John Wayne Gacy was the then-current news item in Chicago, I was roughly 10 years old. The man creeped me out so much, I wished that someone would kill him. However, when he was executed in 1994, the juxtaposition of his televised "death watch" with the first-run of ABC's miniseries of The Stand creeped the heck out of me. If I am squeamish about a guy who supposedly "deserved" it, how the heck could I condone that kind of action against an innocent? After all, life is life, even in a primitive form. By that token, killing Pauly Shore would be a boon to mankind.

(If you decide, after reading this, to go after Mr. Shore, or some other person, please don't claim that this column drove you to do it. Be a man/woman and take personal responsibility. Besides, I'll sue your pathetic butt for plagiarism)

On the flip side, I can honestly assert that there is no way in hell that I will ever give birth to a child. In the whole reproductive scheme of things, I'm relatively free of responsiblity - if I impregnate someone, I can disappear and leave that young lady to her fate (I would never do such a thing; this is a hypothetical, guys). Plus, unlike several pro-life individuals, I don't think having an abortion is as easy a decision as, say, clipping your toenails. It is a decision that I will probably never have to make for myself - I may have to participate in the process, but I can assure you all that I will never have an abortion.

I guess that's my thesis for this month - ethics and morality. We all face ethical conundrums, from deciding whether or not to cheat on a test to whether we should shout "Shake it, don't break it, it took your mama nine months to make it" to the object of our attraction. Of course, ethics is rarely a black and white thing. Most people would prefer it that way because it makes decision making a lot easier. It also gives them superiority over those who make different choices. However, we live in a time when all choices lie in a deep, murky gray area - much like a swamp, only it doesn't smell as bad - and nobody has a monopoly over ethics. One person's unethical behavior is another's perfectly justified behavior. I don't know if I can, in this case, ever truly be on one side or the other...but that's a lot like life.

Ok, enough of my pontificating - again, as always, send questions/comments/mash notes to Gordon_D@theshrubbery.com. Also, if you're a single female between the ages of 25 and 34, and reside in the St. Louis area, e-mail me, and we'll date and stuff. Until next month, have a wonderful Thanksgiving, and don't shoot anybody on Veteran's Day.