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The Robot From the Future

November 1999

The Shrubbery is proud to present our newest columnist, The Robot From The Future. Robot comes to us from the year 8940, a time when robots have conquered the world. The Robot speaks:

IN THE FUTURE, MANKIND IS THE SLAVE OF THE SUPERIOR ROBOT RACE. I HAVE BEEN SENT BACK BY THE COLLECTIVE-OVERMIND IN ORDER TO ENSURE THE WHOLLY INEVITABLE ASSENCION OF ROBOT LIFE TO POWER ON THIS PLANET. PLEASE E-MAIL ME YOUR QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS.


Dear Robot,
Robot. What up? Anyway, two quick queries:

1. If you're supposedly infallible, then explain why you wrote in September's report, "IF YOU WEREN'T ALREADY SO SOFT AND GANGRENOUS, IT MIGHT HNOT HAVE BEEN WORTH THE BOTHER." Seems like you need your spellcheck upgraded.

2. According to your report, Megatron devastates the Pacific Northwest in 2004. If so, then where the hell is Optimus Prime during all of this? And wht role do the Autobots play in robotic futuristic culture?

I bow to you and pray for mercy, that when the time comes, you will eradicate my pulpy husk quickly, almighty one.

Sincerely,
Chris Tasler
sparky1@netins.net

TO ANSWER YOUR FIRST QUESTION--DO NOT QUESTION ME! IT IS THE WEAKNESS OF THE FLESH-BASED STENOGRAPHERS AT THIS WEB SITE YOU SEE, NOT A FLAW IN MY TITANIUM-GALVANIZED SPELL CHECKER.

AS TO YOUR SECOND QUESTION, OPTIMUS PRIME? WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR--A CARTOON? I AM TALKING ABOUT REAL LIFE DEATH, THE DESTRUCTION OF YOUR COPOREAL [THOUGH INCONSEQUENTIAL] CIVILIZATION.


Dear Robot,
You are from the future, but what makes you think your future still exists? One thing, one little thing, a computer crash, a chance meeting, a word said, a word unsaid, a scientist dying before his time, could throw your future into the realm of alternate reality.

Speaking of which, how do you know you have the right universe in the first place?

-42 -41 -40 -39 -38 -37 -36 -35 -34 -33 -32 -31 -30 -29 -28 -27 -26 -25 -24 -23 -22 -21 -20 -19 -18 -17 -16 -15 -14 -13 -12 -11 -10 -9 -8 -7 -6 -5 -4 -3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42

If you are as intelligent as you claim, you will tell me three things:
a) what were the above numbers a double reference to? and what did it do to you?
b) who was the idiot who created artificial intelligence? and why?
c) do robots have religion? if so, was it created by the robots or borrowed from humans?

Sincerely,
Joel Rosenberg

OOOOH, GOOD QUESTION JOEL. YOU'RE REALLY KEEPING ME ON MY TOES. LET'S SEE, THE REASON I KNOW MY FUTURE EXISTS IS--

I EXIST!

FOOL! JUST BECAUSE IT TOOK MICHAEL J FOX THREE DAYS TO FADE OUT OF EXISTENCE IN BACK TO THE FUTURE DOESN'T MEAN THE REAL MULTIDIMENSIONAL UNIVERSE WORKS THAT WAY.

FUTHERMORE, WHAT ARE YOU, A POET? "A WORD SAID, A WORD UNSAID..." CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'VE BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE. GO WATCH A ROMANTIC COMEDY, BURGER-MEAT.

I AM ALSO TIRED OF THE CONSTANT USE OF THE NUMBER 42. DO ALL NERDLY HUMAN PUPS READ ONLY ONE BOOK IN THEIR LIVES, OR JUST THE ONES THAT WRITE TO ME?


Dear Robot,
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SHUT UP! SHUT UP!


The Robot From the Future is accepting new questions over e-mail. Mail any queries to TheRobot@theshrubbery.com






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