MINISTRY OF CULTURE
LESSON # 18
THE ENGLISH AND THE FRENCH
Settle down and put a sock in it, you tedious, prattling buffoons. Stoop your sterile heads and clasp your oleaginous hands together in fearful hush as I efficaciously march to my podium and begin another bewitching discourse. This month it's time to get topical: so put your shades on and help yourself to a coconut. Oh, hang on- that's tropical not topical.
At present - as I write this portentous undertaking of intellectual rhetoric, my proud nation, England is taking it's shirt off and heading for the pub car-park for a trade war, if not an actual "kick your teeth in" war with our old sparring partners the French.
For the benefit of our un-tutored American readership I should recapitulate exactly who the main players are in this fray.
OTHER PARTS OF THE WORLD
So as not to traumatise you, I think it prudent to usher this next topic in with care. What you are about to read concerns nations outside of America.
Some of you will be flabbergasted to discover there are, in fact, other nations in this world apart from waffle-central. Gasp further as you learn that some even speak other languages, and I'm not just talking about Canada, but other places.
The English are part of the United Kingdom, or Britain, or the British Isles, depending on your religious or political beliefs. Which is confusing for everyone, especially postmen. However, to make things easy: we are now part of Europe. That's that big bit on the globe that isn't Asia, Africa, or America. Or Texas.
FAIR PLAY : yes there's nothing more English than a sense of fair play. That is why losing at every sport means nothing to us. At least we didn't cheat.
Fair play, is of course non-compulsory at times of war.
STIFF UPPER LIP: yes, us Brits take it on the chin. No matter how bad things get, we remain aloof with a stout heart and a proud demeanour. You'll never catch us moaning about anything at all. Our upper lips are stiffened at birth with injections of collagen and wire. A nation of snivellers we are not.
Except for some subjects. Like the French, or on occasion Europe in general and perhaps the weather.
THE MONARCHY: Everyone, but everyone loves the Queen and all her fantastic children. We adore her sour little face and her idiot husband's amusing racist comments. Hoorah.
BAD COOKING: we exist on a diet of fish and chips, boiled beef and carrots.
It's what made this nation great. And malnourished. Despite being an island nation, we never eat our own fish, as it is too expensive so we import it from Spain, and then complain about Spanish trawlers in our waters. It's very complex- you wouldn't understand.
SEXUAL REPRESSION: British people don't have sex. It's common.
The French are on the other side of the Channel and part of mainland Europe.
They are considerably more European than us, due largely to geographical and historical reasons. So we don't trust them.
GARLIC: French people put Garlic in everything: even cups of coffee
SNAILS: French people eat snails. In garlic.
SEX: French people do sex all the time. They love sex and are sexy. When not eating snails in garlic, they eat each other's genitals. They are never seen without their hands in each other's trousers and greet even their blood relatives with a garlic-laden snog and a playful squeeze of the buttocks.
IT'S ALL KICKING OFF
Recently these two nations have been embarking on the first acts of out and out war for more than a century. Why? Well, the reason is simple. Dead animals.
THE BEEF CRISIS
About ten years ago there was a horrible disease in cows that caused another fatal disease in humans. The cases were few and far between, but the disease was debilitating and no laughing matter. So a balance had to be struck between making the public aware of the slim danger, but the hideous consequences. For that reason the Brits refer to it by the scientific name "MAD COW DISEASE."
This disease was prominent in England, particularly Kent, a county once named the garden of England, but now referred to as the POX RIDDEN, CONTRAMINATED HELL-HOLE OF ENGLAND.
The disease itself was alleged to come from feeding cows other ground-up dead cows. A sort of bovine cannibalism, which for a species that had hitherto been vegetarian on principle, must have been a tad confusing. No surprise then that some went a little bonkers.
As a result of MAD COW DISEASE those crazy Eurocrats on the continent banned British beef exports, forcing the English to either burn or otherwise destroy the livestock, and this time not feed the remains to anyone, even their farm animals.
But now, we are assured that British Beef is safe again. Tests prove it. It's as safe as nuclear power and as healthy as cigarettes. Glory glory hallelujah.
But this is not good enough for the French. "Hah!" they say to Europe's decision-makers. "You can't make us eat this shit. And we won't. So there. What are you going to do about that?" Only, in French.
So: British farmers and meat manufacturers (an alarming image if ever there was) are as furious as a gorilla with his balls trapped in a car door. The French, on the other hand, are snickering into their palms, pouring some wine and eating choice cuts of French Boef. Ooo lala.
But earlier this week tests proved that some French beef had also been contaminated. The key once again was the cow's diet. Apparently human faeces had gotten into the food supply and as a result their cows had been eating shit. An ironic image for those of us that have eaten in McDonalds.
So now the British won't eat the French cows, and the French won't eat the British cows. Your correspondent is seriously confused. Having driven through England and France on many an occasion I have noticed a great deal of grassland. Why not stop feeding cows shit and relatives and let them eat grass? But then, I'm a city boy.
WHAT HAVE WE LEARNT
The French hate the English
The English hate the French
Uncle Summy had a very short space of time available to write this column
Until next time
Bonjour les enfants