A Confession: How I Mentally Tortured my Sister for Most of her Pre-
By Todd McCafferty
1. Pretending to die while I was supposed to be babysitting her. I
would usually say, "Oh, I feel sick all of a sudden. I don't
think...uh...uh...I...can...breathe...any...." and then collapse on the
floor. My sister, who will remain nameless, let us call her C, would
then say "I know your alive Todd. I know your alive. Stop it. I'll tell
mom. Stop it, Todd. I know your alive. I am going to call 911. I
really will." And then I would scream really loud and scare her some
2. Saying scary things right before she went to bed. Or better yet,
waiting until she just settled down to go to sleep then cracking her
door open and saying in a horrible sounding voice, "Tonight will be
the last night you ever sleep. I am Death." The best technique,
which has multiple uses, was to pretend I was trying to say
something nice but actually imply something scary. As in,
"Goodnight C, don't think about skeleton people rapping at your
3. Whispering mean things that only she could hear. This always
worked at the dinner table. I would normally pretend that soemthing
smelled really bad and ask my mom and dad if they could smell it.
Then when I got a chance, like I was getting up to get more rice or
potatos or something, I would causally sniff my sister and say softly
to her, "Oh, its you." Much plaintive wailing would then ensue and I
would feign complete innocence.
4. Asking lots of stupid questions or pretending not to understand
her. The best way to ruin C's excitement over something was to
pretend I didn't understand. "Todd! I got an A on my paper!"
"What does that mean?" "It means I got an A!" "What?" "I got an
A, a good grade!" "Oh, I am in grade 9. Is that what your asking?"
And so on and so forth.
5. Making gross noises as she chewed food or fart noises everytime
she moved. Very simple really but quite efective. The sheer
endurance I had towards my goal, as in a whole hour straight of fart
noises directed at my sister, was enough to wear her down. Since I
always had the upper hand, I always won in a war of attrition.
6. Speaking gibberish as she tried to tell me something. I would let
her say one or two words and then just make random sounds really
loud to drown her out. The capper would then be I would cordially
say "I'm sorry, were you trying to say something to me?"
7. Get C so angry she would physically attack me and then with my
superior stength push her away over and over again. That just
frustrated her even more, the awareness of her own impotence
against her all-powerful big brother.
Boy there is so much more I could talk about, but then every artist
has his secrets. As a postscript, my sister and I get along superbly
now and she is one of my best friends. But there may again come
a day when I will have to draw up all my courage and once again
delve into my brotherly bag of tricks to show my sister her real place
in the familial chain of command...the bottom.