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A Confession: How I Mentally Tortured my Sister for Most of her Pre- adolescencse

By Todd McCafferty

1. Pretending to die while I was supposed to be babysitting her. I would usually say, "Oh, I feel sick all of a sudden. I don't think...uh...uh...I...can...breathe...any...." and then collapse on the floor. My sister, who will remain nameless, let us call her C, would then say "I know your alive Todd. I know your alive. Stop it. I'll tell mom. Stop it, Todd. I know your alive. I am going to call 911. I really will." And then I would scream really loud and scare her some more.

2. Saying scary things right before she went to bed. Or better yet, waiting until she just settled down to go to sleep then cracking her door open and saying in a horrible sounding voice, "Tonight will be the last night you ever sleep. I am Death." The best technique, which has multiple uses, was to pretend I was trying to say something nice but actually imply something scary. As in, "Goodnight C, don't think about skeleton people rapping at your window."

3. Whispering mean things that only she could hear. This always worked at the dinner table. I would normally pretend that soemthing smelled really bad and ask my mom and dad if they could smell it. Then when I got a chance, like I was getting up to get more rice or potatos or something, I would causally sniff my sister and say softly to her, "Oh, its you." Much plaintive wailing would then ensue and I would feign complete innocence.

4. Asking lots of stupid questions or pretending not to understand her. The best way to ruin C's excitement over something was to pretend I didn't understand. "Todd! I got an A on my paper!" "What does that mean?" "It means I got an A!" "What?" "I got an A, a good grade!" "Oh, I am in grade 9. Is that what your asking?" And so on and so forth.

5. Making gross noises as she chewed food or fart noises everytime she moved. Very simple really but quite efective. The sheer endurance I had towards my goal, as in a whole hour straight of fart noises directed at my sister, was enough to wear her down. Since I always had the upper hand, I always won in a war of attrition.

6. Speaking gibberish as she tried to tell me something. I would let her say one or two words and then just make random sounds really loud to drown her out. The capper would then be I would cordially say "I'm sorry, were you trying to say something to me?"

7. Get C so angry she would physically attack me and then with my superior stength push her away over and over again. That just frustrated her even more, the awareness of her own impotence against her all-powerful big brother.

Boy there is so much more I could talk about, but then every artist has his secrets. As a postscript, my sister and I get along superbly now and she is one of my best friends. But there may again come a day when I will have to draw up all my courage and once again delve into my brotherly bag of tricks to show my sister her real place in the familial chain of command...the bottom.

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