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Adventures in Maturity

By Gordon R. Dymowski

Ok, it's late November, and I'm still stuck for a topic. (See October's column for details). However, I had some ideas - either to write about jury duty (which is, well, lame), or the importance of voting (yeah, right), or even about other assorted stuff. However, I decided to revisit an old column idea of mine, especially now, since I'm actually in something of a positive mood. And now, without further adieu, it's time for...

Top 10 Things Gordon is Grateful For in the Year 2000

(OK, 2000 isn't over yet, but hey, I'm allowed to look at what's happened so far. And now, on with the list...)

10) NO JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME MOVIES WERE RELEASED - boy, it's nice to know that the Muscles from Brussels is losing his career. Hopefully, Steven Segal will follow suit....

9) TITUS - wow, a show that I actually like on for a second season? Yes, this Fox show features wacky elements like mental illness, alcoholism, bad behavior, and family dysfunction. I hope it's on for years....but it's worth watching. Plus, it's right after That 70's Show, which is also cool, because it has that goofy Fez guy on it.

8) I HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE - Yes, that's right, I'm actually getting out and seeing people, instead of posting on bulletin boards and sharing tips on picking up women. I'd like to thank a little organization called Metropolis. I'm actually starting to feel a little more human, compared to two years ago, when I felt like scum. What a difference!

7) MY NEW OFFICE - yes, earlier this year my office moved from a deep, dark basement (where I was alone most of the time) to a nice office where there are other people, and I actually get - believe it or not - a window. Of course, not only do I get a nice view out the window, but also a great view of the redhead next door, who looks much hotter than Lindbergh Road, wink wink nudge nudge say no more...

(More about that in a later point).

6) THE X-MEN MOVIE - yes, it finally got made, and it kicked ass! I can now die content...

5) MY FRIENDS, FAMILY, YADA YADA YADA... - OK, they're important, and I wanted to mention them before I forgot. Heck, I'll even include my cat Dax in this list, even though she acts goofy and likes to drink out of the toilet. This isn't in order of importance, so don't even go there.

4) ATTENDING MY 15TH HIGH SCHOOL REUNION IN JUNE - not only did I get to see my old high school drinking buddies, but also got pretty sloshed and made some prank phone calls. Not only that, it was the first time since I left Orry-Gone that I went to Chicago and wasn't depressed and/or melancholy. Heck, a lot's happened, and I'm kicking butt and taking names and eating popcorn and drinking colas. It's nice to know that my life - although not perfect - is a lot better than some other people's, especially those who had looked down on me. That, and Sue - a classmate who I had the hots for - was looking at me the way a thirsty man eyes a glass of water.

3) THE NEW JSA COMIC - that's right, it's the Golden Age's classic super hero team (OK, it's the first ever super hero team) that has a modern spin in this new classic from DC Comics. It's kind of hard when the original team featured such heroes as Hourman, who took a pill and had an hour of power (kind of like Viagra); Wildcat, a guy dressed up like a cat who beat people up; and the Atom, a short guy who liked to beat people up. However, the 21st Century has the greatest super team...and you can check out where the fans of this team congregate at Yahoo's JSA Appreciation Association. You'll be glad you did.

2) MY COWORKERS & EMPLOYEES, PAST AND PRESENT - As I've written in another column, a former coworker gave me a makeover, and had helped me dress less like a grad student and more like the sexual/intellectual powerhouse that I am. Not only am I grateful to have had her, but I've also hired someone new to help me out, and she's mega-cool. However, there are other coworkers who I am grateful for - my job allows me to work surrounded by beautiful women, and let's face it, I am very happy about that. One of my coworkers is having a baby, and that is...well, let's face it, it ain't easy for her, but for me it's fascination. Plus, the aforementioned redhaired lady (and I do mean "lady") is more than willing to put up with my eccentricities, so let's face it, I am triply blessed.

(For any of my coworkers/colleagues reading this - if you'd like to write a counterpoint to my column, or wish to harrass me with e-mail, feel free to do so at Gordon_D@theshrubbery.com. Also, if you're a reader who wants to comment, also e-mail me. I respond to all e-mail, and it helps act to reinforce my self-esteem. Plus, it's a great way to kill time).

And the number one thing that I am grateful for in the year 2000....

1) I AM STILL ALIVE, KICKING ASS, AND ENJOYING THE HELL OUT OF LIFE - sure, a lot of icky stuff has also happened, but you know what? In the end, if I can watch a sunset out of my living room window and feel that it is the only thing worth the aggravation I go through, then hey, I'm happy.

Thanks for reading, and see you in 2001!








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