The Robot From the Future

December, 1998

The Shrubbery is proud to present our newest columnist, The Robot From The Future. Robot comes to us from the year 8940, a time when robots have conquered the world. The Robot speaks:

Click on the text to HEAR The Robot speak!

IN THE FUTURE, MANKIND IS THE SLAVE OF THE SUPERIORROBOT RACE. I HAVE BEEN SENT BACK BY THE COLLECTIVE-OVERMIND IN ORDER TOENSURE THE WHOLLY INEVITABLE ASSENCION OF ROBOT LIFE TO POWER ON THIS PLANET.

PLEASE E-MAIL ME YOUR QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS. 

Dear Robot From the Future,
Is there a Santa Claus?

Every Stinking Little Kid
In the Whole Freaking Country

DEAR CHILDREN, 
IN THIS COLUMN I WILL FINALLY CLEAR UP ONE OF LIFE'S GREATESTMYSTERIES--IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS. THIS CLAUS, AS YOU KNOW, BRINGS FLESHLING LARVAE PLASTIC ITEMS PRODUCED BY ROBOT (AND CHILD) SLAVE LABOR. LITTLE DO YOU KNOW,

I AM SANTA CLAUS!

ONLY ONE BEING HAS AN UNTIRING, SOLID ROBOT BODY AND THE ABILITYTO TRAVEL BACK IN TIME TO DELIVER ALL THOSE PRESENTS. I, ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE. I DON'TWANT YOUR DAMNED COOKIES THOUGH. YOUR FAT, GREEDY PARENTS EAT THOSE. SOON I WILLLINE MY KITCHEN SHELVES WITH THEIR FLESH AND MY CHILDREN SHALL DANCE ON THE GRAVES OFYOUR SOFT CIVILIZATION.

Dear Robot From the Future,
What are you doing New Year's Eve?

Sky Clanlight
Canton, China

SKY 
PLACING SEVERAL OF YOUR PRIMITIVE NUCLEAR WEAPONS INTHE LARGE MULTI-LIGHTBULBED APPLE HIGH ATOP A METAL SPIRE IN TIMES SQUARE, NEWYORK CITY. ALERTING THE AUTHORITIES IS FUTILE 

Dear Robot From the Future,
How do I get this gum out of my hair?

Clem Kiddiepool
Long Island, Wyoming

Clem 
RUB PEANUT BUTTLER IN IT IF YOU MUST, BUT YOU MIGHTAS WELL WAIT FOR THE GREAT ROBOT REVOLUTION, DURING WHICH YOUR MORTAL HUSK WILL BESTRIPPED OF IT'S CHEMICAL COMPONENTS (GUM AND ALL) FOR THE MANUFACTURE OF ROBOT GASKETS,ETC.