December 1998
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Portrait of The Artist As A Young Man I Don't Shut Up!
by Ryan Glowczewski

Ho, ho, ho, it's X-mas time. And you all know what that means!!! Of course you do. It means that I'm really busy and I'm probably going to have to resort to something really cliched this month. Yeeehhhaaaww! You're probably bitching because Nude School Girls part II never came out, and this whole stupid date thing is such a fraud, and for my temporary loss of journalisitic integirity in the whole breast fiasco, aren't you.

Well, it gets worse!!! Since it's the last day of November, and here I am rushing, you get one of those corny and stupid, "What I want for X-mas", columns. Oooooohhh!!!

So in the tradition of the blatantly unfunny, here we go! (Hopefully next month we don't get a stupid new years resolution column.)

10. More blowjob pictures at work. In the wonderful Wal-Mart photolab, we've gotten two blowjob pics in three days. That's a pretty high blowjob rating, I know, but I want more. And where's the child porn? Oh, here it is, nevermind.

9. Some girl action. Now, this may sound like I'm some kind of lecherous jerk, but, c'mon I've never kisssed a girl. In a month I'm twenty! I'm a social eunuch. I'll take anything. A hug would satisfy me. Just kinda leaning against me while we're watching a movie would satisfy me. Grabbing around in the bag of popcorn that's on my lap would be cool too!

8. A new computer. Faster computer = better games to play while ignoring my responsibilites.

7. A good shooting in a local public school. I love watching people shriek when it's finally white kids a'dyin'!!! Who said poor impoverished minorities should have all the fun. If it's some Klan member's nuthouse kid who's shootin at "race traitors", and they fry him, all the better. Kill two with one stone I always say.

6.A really big, plastic Jesus or Virgin Mary, or something really gawky and religous. But it has to be made by child labor in Asia. Oops, that's redundant!

5. A fleshlight. The ad says that if masturbation's a 1, and sex is a ten, then a fleshlight is at least an 8. What if I think masturbation's a 12?

4. Something to help me lay off the masturbation.

3. A non-self-induced orgasm.

2. The ability to figure out what to get my mom for X-mas. I love my mom. She kicks your moms ass. You don't even know how great my mom is. Your mom may seem cooler, but who needs a cool mom, I wan't a good mom and I've got the best. (Awwwwwwwwwww)

1. Road Rage.

Pac Man's character is difficult to explain even to the Japanese - he is an innocent character. He hasn't been educated to discern between good and evil. He acts more like a small child than a grown-up person. Think of him as a child learning in the course of his daily activities. If some one tells him guns are evil, he would be the type to rush out and eat guns. But he would most probably eat any gun, even the pistols of policemen who need them.
-Toru Iwatani, author of Pac-Man

Doesn't it seem like something really funny should follow that. Like something like "The Sexual Misadventures of Pac-Man in Love"?


But as long as we're being unfunny, the other day at work I get this call.

"Wal-Mart one hour photo. Ryan speaking. How may I help you?"

"Do you guys have a photo lab?"

"Yes, we do. This is the lab."

"Is it one hour service?"


"Are you open?"

"Yes we are."

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