December 1998
[Aaddzz Counter]

Current Issue
Back Issues
Article Index
A Herring!
About Us

In Association With
This page copyright 1998 The Shrubbery
Webmaster: Jason Morrison
# 7 - Sex

Alright you unenlightened upstarts, quit squawking or I'll set about you with a nine pound hammer, by God. Sit down, shut up, and unpick the stitching of your pillow-like minds as I stuff you with the feathers of information.
This month we are going to wrestle with that most greasy of topics: sex. Being something of a specialist in the finer intricacies of the protocol and oft having admired the devious mechanics I feel it is only right and proper to pass that wealth of information on.
Right, that's enough of the tantalising foreplay, let's rip off those undergarments and get stuck in.
What is sex? Good question. Having sex is like chewing gum: a) everyone does it, b) too long with the same piece and the flavour starts to go, and most important of all, c) if you're not careful you'll end up with a sticky mess in your hair.
Sex is as sex does. And sex will do it with anyone, even you. Mother Nature, you see, is a yoyo-knickered Jezebel who'll let you put your hand up her jumper at a bus stop if it means the fruitful propagation of the species.
Ok, for all you virginal innocents, I think it's only fair to give you a few pointers. If you think that a hand-job is slang for a manicure, then read on. If, however, you popped your cherry before you learnt to ride a bike then you might find some of this a little tame.

STEP 1: Solitaire or Swingball
Work out what type of sex you want to do. You have an option, solo-sex, or proper 'shagging' with a partner. Sex without a partner is merely a self-indulgence, solely centred around self-satisfaction - like when Eric Clapton plays guitar, only perhaps more listenable. Being as there are more than enough pages on the Internet devoted to helping you strum your Fender, I'll concentrate on the latter - 'shagging.' And the best way to get 'shagging' is to 'go out on the pull.'

STEP 2: Out On The Pull:
Every Friday and Saturday night in parochial small-town English culture, young men pull on their finest plumes and liberally douse themselves in 'Pagan Man' before strutting manfully into town, each one a twitching confused mass of vital hormonal secretions. Meanwhile, young women, at the peak of their menstrual cycles, apply a sturdy veneer of cosmetics, squeeze themselves into taut and revealing garments. drink gin and wait.
It is one of life's more callous ironies that the two rarely meet, resulting in disillusion, depression, fist-fights and vomiting. And that's just the girls. Oho. When they DO meet, it's to the strains of Pebo Bryson and Roberta Flack during the slow dance at Beanie's Nite-Klub. She feels needed and has an acute sense of the pivotal importance of the moment. He has a hard on. The ceremony has begun.

STEP 3: Your Place Or mine?
At some point you will find yourselves faced with the dilemma of where to go in order to pursue your new-found hobby. Yes, twice round the dance floor is frankly twice too many. So get out of there quick and take your co-conspirator and some sort of contraception with you. Always, but always go to their place. That way, if you wake up in the morning next to a right old boiler, like Alanis Morissette or Michael Bolton, you can run away and hide in a box in the woods or something until it has all blown over.
Never let them round your house until you are certain they have a life outside yours. The last thing you want is some lumpy-faced social outcast slashing their wrists on your doorstep.
STEP 4: Is that it?
Yes. Now shut up, I'm trying to get to sleep.
For such a central thing in our lives to remain a taboo for so long is one of the great lunacies of our time. Biologists argue that our sole function is to propagate the species, to pass on our genes, genital warts and all to the next generation, who in turn pass them on to the next. But soon, with likely advances in the field of genetic science we will be able to edit those genes and discard such faulty characteristics as nose hair, a liking for Patrick Swayze movies or bad shoes.
This will have a strange impact on sexual relations. No longer will we need to be choosy about our partners in order to guarantee healthy good-looking children. We'll merely tick the appropriate boxes and wait for nature, and a team of laboratory technicians to take their course. This new 'non-specific' approach to sexual relations will revolutionise the way we live, and as a result our culture will collapse and we'll all die screaming in agony.

We are all here to do sex
We are all here because of sex
Our parents did it all the time
Our grandparents did nothing else
We should never talk about it though, because it's filthy and disgusting

Until next time
Pasta del fuego

Back to Main