We hate the French, too!
I have just been asked to be the new "Canadian correspondent" for The
Shrub*. Of course, half the things Canadians worry about are American,
but they don't know that, so I'm still safe for now.
I thought I'd discuss something that Canadians have in common with Britan:
the hate between the English and the French. Canada is a prime example of
this hate. Quebec hates the rest of Canada. Apparently, we are squandering
their heritage, though even they don't know what their heritage really is.
They say that they want more money, but really it's just something to whine
about. Of course they are getting more money than the other provinces, but
that's just a technicality. We feel sorry for them because they are so rich
and we are thrusting money into their faces. What is a poor Province to do?
It runs, of course!
"We have too much money as it is," they cry, "and now you are
offering us more? We will leave Canada and become bankrupt! Then we will
come back and you can give us all the money you like!"
Which is just fine and dandy, but then we have the whole geographical
problem of a hole in Canada. The maritime complain that they will be cut
off from their country. Then British Columbia wakes up and says "What's
going on? Eh?? A referendum? Well if they get one, then we want one too!"
So now B.C. and Quebec want to separate, though nobody cares about B.C.
because they're isolated already and they have warm winters (damn them!).
The rest of Canada is going "No! you can't leave" and clinging to their
legs like little toddlers when their parents try to slip out for a little
But of course we offer Quebec a little 'going away gift' of money, since we
can't let them depart on bad terms. Quebec then gets mad at B.C. for
playing at their game. In the end, Quebecers vote no to separation,
B.C.-ers get drunk and forget what they were whining about, and the rest of
Canada is happy to have its little family together again.
But Quebec will not shut up. It then decides that its language is being
squashed. Nobody bothers to mention that we made French our second national
language so we all have to take French classes even if it brings down our
average from a ninety to a sixty (I hate french class!) So Quebec makes a
law that declares all shop sign windows must have French first, and it must
be bigger than the English sign. Now we're just getting childish. They make
a "language police" that goes around jailing shop owners that has English
the same size as French. Give me a break. What do they want? French to be
the first language of Canada?
This is the beauty of Canada.
*Editor's Note: Our former Canadian, John Hansen, is on a leave of
absence of an undetermined length until he writes to us or a body shows up.
We figured that since all Canadians are the same, Gordon would do for now.
Please don't confuse him with Gordon "Mature Guy" Dymowski, as he is only a
Canadian in his dreams, and while trying to pick up women.