The Shrubbery -- humor, satire, comedy
Shrub Mail   Archives   About Us   Subscribe

Angry Dan's Column

Rednecks Beware

by Daniel Strohl

This month I promise to answer the question which has perplexed many in the past year and a half. No, I refuse to comment on whether Tinky Winky is gay, whether Jesse Ventura is a moron or a genius or most other questions your feeble mind dares to dilly-dally with. I promise instead to tell you all why I'm so angry.

It's because you're all fucking morons and I'm a conceited bastard.

Let's begin with an email I received last month from an attentive Shrub reader regarding my August column.

From: "Lauren Davis" 
 Subject: Re: New mid-month, plus T-shirts
 Date: Sun, 19 Sep 1999 14:16:12 PDT 

 Stone Cold is on WWF, NOT WCW!!!

This shouldn't even merit a response, but I'm gonna anyway just because I'm conceited. Thank you, Laauren Davis, for pointing out my error. The fact that I neglected to check my facts is evident. Yet I actually have meaningful occupations of my time, as opposed to you brainless slobs who allow this grotesque and unnecessary display of faked violence and faked machismo and faked tits to pander their merchandise and stocks your way. I can't believe the number of morons who buy into that whole thing. To illustrate the mindlessness of it all, I provide an anecdote from the early days of pro wrestling. In the late '50s, my grandfather watched pro wrestling on television. He got so into the matches that he once actually put his foot through the television screen. True story. If that was all I knew of my grandfather, I'd have dismissed him long ago and wouldn't admit again I'm related to him.

Here's another moronism: NASCAR. As many of my friends and acquaintances will tell you, I'm an automotive nut. A regular gearhead. I own and drive daily a 1971 Chevrolet Nova. I'm all for car racing, too, but at the same time I find it absolutely ludicrous whenever I see a "3" or "24" sticker plastered on someone's rear window, trunklid (bootlid for Uncle Summy) or bumper. Why in hell would you proclaim to the world that you buy into multimillion dollar merchandising ventures designed specifically to suck the money out of moron rednecks? Or, for that matter, proclaim you belong to this elite class of moron rednecks?

And it doesn't stop there. There's plenty of morons in this world, so make way for one conceited bastard and his point of view.

Has Dan made you angry?

If so, feel free to send him and email and let him know just how wrong he is.

More Columns
Copyright 2000 The Shrubbery
In Association With