Can I borrow your car Wednesday night? I have to go to the bottom-of-a-ravine convention.

I feel like a 75-year-old man. Except I'm this amazingly sexy, virile, potent 75-year-old man.

Don't you think that John Paul is the sexiest Pope in recent memory?

What about the next Pope-Leonardo DiCaprio?

I have to get more water. [singing] I have to get bloated!

What do you call a dead baby… actually, I don't have a punch line, but if you asked me right now I bet I could think of one.

You can't just clothesline me and then stand there all cutesy!

Write an article about how George W. Bush is a dumbass. Make the headline "George W. Bush is a dumbass."

Is this that edible packing stuff?
When I lick it, it melts, so it's definitely biodegradable.

We're stealing your boxes!